Jose Jalapeno...no really....he's on a stEEEk

Monday, March 31, 2008

Jose Jalapeno on a stick...and my week...
Category: Life

Where do I even start? Honestly....this last week has been a week of hell.....no really I promise it has. Sometimes......sometimes I wonder if all the bad that has happened to me recently is because of things that I did to other people in the past.





Like I’ve said a million and one times....I wasn’t always a good person. I was a bitch to say the least. Used people...was mean....made fun of people for no good reason other than the fact that I wanted to. I was a mad mad person....angry at the world...and unfortunately that translated into my making a lot of not so good decisions.



That said....I’ve tried so hard to change the person I was....and I think I have. Thankfully and finally...and I’m truly blessed to have friends that have stood by me no matter what......


....Heather.....she’s been there for over 20 years....she’s seen me at my worse.....at times when I didn’t want to see myself...and she’s stayed around...stayed my friend....I don’t know that I can say that I would have done the same thing...She has accepted the fact that I’m gay. Something that not all of my old friends were able to do. I still deal with losing friends all the time over it. Which is so stupid....if ur my friend accept me. Period. Not the parts you want to accept and deal with....but all of me......


My sexuality has becom such an issue for so many "friends"......honestly what does it matter? I’m still me!!! If you were my friend before you knew I was gay...why wouldn’t you be now? I mean I haven’t changed....I’m still me....I still think the same...act the same....and I’m actually happier than I’ve ever been....so why?



....back to friends....since as usual I got on a rant.....I’ve been blessed with many many great friends in my life....like I said.....I’ve had friends come and go...and I’ve been able to retain the majority of my friendships....yes I’ve lost some. And at some points....I think that the relationships that I have lost were not meant to be. I feel that if you are my friend....and I am yours....then.....why do you want to start shit? argue? bitch? moan? groan? judge? just be my friend....like I try to be yours.



I’ve seen recently that people who claim to be your friends....they aren’t always. Then there are the people......the people that come out of nowhere....they come into your life....at just the right time somehow....they become the person that u are completely dependant on....it makes no sense.

Out of nowhere this person....well she just kinda knocked me off my feet.....and well sometimes I don’t know what to think about anything these days. I mean I try to not over think things...to not over analyze.....but sometimes...it’s hard not to. I worry that I’m going to wake up....and she’s going to have been a dream.....that I’m going to wake up.....and it’s going to never have happened.....because the last week....while hell.....had one redeaming quality....Her.



She has been there more for me in the last month....well more than most people have ever thought about being,.......and that says something. Trying to not fall though....to protect myself. Because I’ve been hurt so many times that I am scared to care about anyone. I’m scared to feel.....and when I do feel things....I hide them.......So here we go...taking things slow....seeing how we both feel about things. Not rushing....both having been hurt so much......I just wish....well I wish I knew more about how they felt I guess. However....for the first time in my life I’m not going to push.....I’m not going to be nosey.....I’m going to let things alone....let them progress naturally...on their own. And well...we’ll see how that goes I guess.....All I know for certain....I don’t want to lose this amazing amazing person.
Cause like I said....even with all the chaos...she was my rock this week.....my anchor......my peace.....yea yea i know....gooey....


......i know that tonight.....when she had her accident....my heart stopped.,.......I couldn’t breathe.....all I could do......was pray. I can honestly say.....it’s the first thing to scare me in a long time. I know how fast she drives you see.....and I was so.....scared. There’s no other words for it. Scared. Worried. Panicked. Frightened. All of those. Just Scared. But thank god she’s okay...for the most part.....If she hadn’t been.....I don’t even want to think about that.....I can’t....



Which brings me back to reality....last week was hell....but it could have been so much worse...so it’s time to move on......and once again....that’s what I’m doing...moving on....



I found this poem....and I love it....cause it so fits me right now.....

Life Still Has A Meaning

If there is a future there is time for mending-
Time to see your troubles coming to an ending.
Life is never hopeless however great your sorrow-
If you’re looking forward to a new tomorrow.
If there is time for wishing then there is time for hoping-
When through doubt and darkness you are blindly groping.
Though the heart be heavy and hurt you may be feeling-
If there is time for praying there is time for healing.

So if through your window there is a new day breaking-
Thank God for the promise, though mind and soul be aching,
If with harvest over there is grain enough for gleaning-
There is a new tomorrow and life still has meaning.

~ Author unknown~



Currently listening :
Live Like You Were Dying
By Tim McGraw
Release date

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