Maybe I shoulda Listened looking back
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I’m done letting YOUR happiness affect MINE!!! I’m the person I have to look out for..NOT YOU!!
So as many of you already know I have a wonderful new girlfriend in my life. I feel really lucky and blessed to have her in my life too, she's amazing. She makes me smile all the time, I get the most random texts from her sometimes and it makes me laugh my arse off each time I get one. I have not had much luck in the love department. I always pick the wrong person to be with, they want someone else, or the next thing I know someone I'm dating is after one of my friends, or vice versa. And I have ALWAYS stood by the people involved no matter what. Because as a friend that's what I should have done. Stood by my friends in their pursuit of happiness, even if it caused me any kind of heartache and even if I didn't agree with it. What I have NEVER done is bad mouth them for it, make them feel like shit for it, made our mutual friends feel caught in the middle, made our mutual friends feel as though they couldn't be out with the fact that they were still friends with them. I would never and have never done these things for a few different reasons. I am an ADULT...not a highschooler. I think for myself and I don't let anyone else affect they way that I think or how I look at things. On that note I don't feel that it is my right to try and make anyone think or act any other way than the way that THEY choose to act. I am not a mother, therefore what right do I have in telling you what to do? None. Zip. Zilch. Zero. I am sick and tired of the drama that has somehow found it's way into my life. I am truly sorry that my being happy has caused certain people pain. I refuse however to give up a REAL chance at happiness for anyone. I've done that my entire life and it's bullshit for ANYONE to expect me to do it now. I am almost 28 freaking years old and I REFUSE to have anyone try and make me feel like shit over the fact that I have found someone. Someone who actually cares about me as much as I care about them. Someone that does anything they can to make me smile, laugh. That just wants me happy. What kind of an idiot would I be to give that up? And while I realize that I have made some mistakes in my life I am not an idiot and I will not give up a chance to be happy for anyone else.
I am sick and tired of people trying to make me feel bad about my decisions. You are not me, you do NOT know what I went through in making the decision to actually go ahead with this relationship. Not only that you have NO RIGHT to tell me that I am acting like I care about hurting you. I do care dammit...if I didn't believe me I would NOT have apologized. I don't have it in me to say I'm sorry if I'm truly not.
You can be mad if you want to, you can hate me if you want to, because you are an adult and can make your own decisions. But maybe you should stop and think about someone other than yourself in this case. You are not the only person that this affects, just as I'm not. However I am not trying to let it affect my friends and that seems to be exactly what is happening. It's such complete and utter bullshit that something this small is being made into such a tremendous deal. Anyways I just needed to vent. I feel better now.
I just hope that people realize that you know, you don't have to agree with everything that your friends do, you don't have to even support them all the time. But in the same breath don't try and make them feel guilty to make yourself feel better....who says your happiness is more important than my own?
I'm happy.....and I intend on staying this way for as long as possible!