Meth....and how it's affected Me

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

fuck fuck and double fuck meth
Current mood: stressed
Category: Life

As if what happened yesterday wasn't bad enough I am so overwhelmed and pissed right now it's not even funny!!!! I thought that the fact that I had all this shit going on yesterday was enough. BUT OH NO when it rains it pours. So as I was finally getting myself calmed down yesterday and coming to terms once again with everything....I get a call from a woman that I have NEVER met before...who informs me that she had bought my dad's car...his old Neon...and it's been MIA for like a week now. Nice huh? She has no idea where it is and if it's not found then she's gong to press charges....Nice huh? so now I am trying like hell to find this car....because I sure as hell don't have the money to reimburse her for it. I just want to scream right now!!!! Like I didn't have enough bullshit to deal with before that call!!! I don't know what to do...if I don't find the car she's calling the police....today. So what do I do...I'm one person...and I don't know what else to do.......

Currently listening :
Love Songs
By John Michael Montgomery
Release date: 05 February, 2002

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Monday, March 19, 2007

Meth and Me
Current mood: depressed
Category: Life

So anyone that really knows me, knows that I've always been really close to my Dad. I have always felt immensely blessed to be so close to him. I didn't have a mom really when I was growing up, my step mother and I HATED each other and then there was my Dad and brothers and I. So I have always had him to depend on. However, from a really early age I remember drugs being a part of our lives...........and it's the main reason that I have HUGENEVER even tried pot. Look I have nothing against people that use....I reserve my opinion because it's just that MY opinion. But I've come to the realization that once they have a hold of your life you may as well just give in to the fact that until the person with the actual addiction decides to give the drug up...you are NOTHING to them. The only thing that matters is how they are going to get their next bump. Their next little bit, their next 8 ball. We no longer matter because until they have the answer to that question NOTHING matters to them. Not even themselves. It's so much easier to sit here and type away about this than it actually is to cut that person out of your life. Like I said my Dad and I have always been close, but it's not just him that it's affected…..my Uncle is sitting in the county jail right now waiting the full charges on a FEDERAL INDICTMENT!!! My Aunt is also sitting in county, on her 4th drug charge, then my cousin…her son….has been in prison twice now because of drugs…..and he's now on the run……ALL BECAUSE OF METH! And the choices they have made concerning it. So today was my Dad's sentencing…..and it was SO hard to be there. Because like I said all my family that's local is locked up………so I was there alone…cause you see these drug people don't REALLY care about one another…so these people that are supposed to be their friend don't even care what happens. So today was alone……….as my dad was being sentenced…….and I'm sitting there trying so hard to be strong as freaking Farha sat there and downgraded and down talked him every other word that came out of his mouth, okay fine so unfortunate as it is a lot of what he was saying was true….BUT not all of it, and most importantly not even half of it. So then my dad's lawyer talked, and talked about the good things that are my dad and I sat there and felt myself tear up…….but I held it in because I wanted to be strong for my dad……but once my dad started talking and I could hear his voice crack I was done, I couldn't hold it in, because we both knew what was coming next. The judge decided Rehab and/or probation wasn't enough so for the second time in my life I had to sit and watch my Father be shackled and cuffed, and led away. The two second hug that I was allowed to give him wasn't enough, how is that enough? Not when my dad's hugs have always healed everything in my life. If I've ever been down that's all I've ever needed was just one of Daddy's hugs. Now the one time I don't know what to do or how I am going to handle things….my dad is gone again…………AGAIN! So now I am losing my mind, because I have to try and figure out what I am going to do with his car, house, dog, things, and mostly my little brother. Who should be old enough to take care of himself and yet I know that he won't. Dad has always bailed him out of everything, and to be honest I don't know if I have it in me to keep bailing him out. Not only that I don't have the patience or the mind left to do it. I sit here wondering what I am going to do, he's 25 and he should be an adult by now….but he's not…..he's still a kid in so many ways…and yet at the same time I know he's a man. He's fought for all of our freedom in a war that I personally have forgotten what we are fighting it for. I don't know. I know that everyone's life sucks ass sometimes………..but god help you if you have METH as part of your family. Because I do. Meth has been here since I was in 2nd grade…..and I have a feeling that in one way or another it's going to continue to be a part of my life well into the future. And that sucks so badly you have no idea. I've seen meth steal, rob, hurt, and lie to get what it wants. I've seen meth take precious time from families, caused them to miss births, funerals, weddings, and wars….and yet somehow…meth still manages to come out ahead. So the next time you feel like telling someone they don't' know what it's like trying to quit….remember this story. Because you saying that is BULLSHIT! The people around you are just as affected by it as you are….and maybe even more in some cases………..I don't really care what anyone thinks about me for writing this,….if you want to look down your nose at me then so be it. I needed to get this off of my chest…almost all of my close friends are gone somewhere or another…..and to be honest I just needed to vent….so if you are going to tell me that it's his own fault or to not stress over it then just keep that to yourself. I already know that shit………..I just needed to vent….and no matter what like I said………it's a lot easier to sit here and tell you about it than it'll ever be to cut that person out of my life…………I love you daddy……..

Currently listening :
The Greatest Hits
By The Judds
Release date: 04 May, 2004

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Friday, March 16, 2007

Dad
Current mood: distressed
Category: Life

Many of you know what's going on with him.....today is his sentencing...and I'm stressed out because I know what I want to happen and I know what is probably going to happen. I don't want to think about it.......chances are that he is going back to prison...again. I'm tired of thinking about it but really I mean come on.............when is enough enough? WHEN do people realize that what the are doing affects more than just themselves?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??! Sorry just had to vent.....just really stressing about this.............

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