Monday, October 29, 2007
So I have a crazy family. Everyone does to an extint I guess. But I'm sitting here cryin my eyes out right now....cause my lil brother is in jail. And it's the last place I ever wanted him to be. He hasn't even been in there a week yet and I know that it's got to be killing him. Because I know the feeling and because I know my little brother. A lot better than most I am sure. Hello we were all each other really had growing up. We were the only constant's in each other's lives. I would literally lay down my life for my little brother and not think twice about it. This is the same brother that I will fist fight with if necesarry but not let anyone else even look at cross eyed. I think sometimes that I am his mother more than his sister. And then I have to remind myself that I'm not really. I'm just his sister. The point of this blog however is just to get some things off of my chest I guess. I know that I am not the best sister in the world. I've done some shitty things to my brother in the past. Things that I'll never be able to take back. And I wasn't there for him when he needed me sometimes. I was young and stupid myself and wasn't ready to be an adult I guess. What I do know though is that right now in my life I am a good sister. I would give him the world if I could. But I can't, That's the point. I do good to pay my own bills sometimes. I drive a piece of shit car that is constantly breaking down and I am having to sink money into. I can't even afford to get my medicine filled half the time. And still whenever he has ever called me and needed something. No matter what it is I have moved heaven and earth to try and provide it for him. When he was originally arrested in 2006 I begged people for money literally to bail him out. I had to convince his own friends to help get him out. and ya know what maybe they realized something then that I didn't....he needs to take responsibility. I just want to protect him from everything....including himself. I know that he, like me has been blessed with some really great friends in his life. What irritates me though is when someone that he hasn't even known that long, someone I have only met probally a handful of times thinks that he has the fucking right to call me and yell because he thinks that I am a horrible sister because I am not able to bail my little brother out this time. It's not that I don't want to....because part of me wants to more than anything in this world. But I literally am not able to. There is no way whatsoever that I can come up with the money to get him out this time. And honestly I wonder if I should. I know that many people probally think that that makes me an awful sister........I dunno.. I just know that I want the best for him...maybe it's for the best. I just want him to put this behind him..to be able to finally move on with his life. I just want him to be able to have a good job, to live life without looking over his shoulder....to have a good relationship with a remarkable woman. I just want him to be happy...I realize that he is at a bump in the road right now.....but I am sure that he'll get over the bump. I guess I just needed to vent....because some asshole thought it would be a good idea to call and yell at me about how horrible of a sister that I am.....ecspecially some asshole that doesn't even know me. I dunno. If you Do know me asnwer this honestly........Am I a Horrible Sister?