t-minus 4hours

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

T-Minus 4 Hours....and counting....
Current mood: scared
Category: Life

So in 4hrs I have to be at the hospital...and I’m scared. It’s not often that I admit that...but I’ll do so freely right now. I’m scared. I have this "surgery" in the morning. and I don’t wanna go. Told Anna I was gonna call in sick to the hospital...she said I can’t. Big Meanie. She is however being a gem and staying up with me since my scaredy cat ass can’t sleep. I don’t know why I’m so scared....it something that is done a million times a year...it’s not like they are going to randomly mess up on me. The likliehood of that happening is so small that it’s not worth talking about. So why....why do I obsess....and freak...and worry....and wonder.....and expect the worse to happen to me...why? I know that it’s stupid. But I just sit here and I wonder...what if....





What if it is what the dreaded ’C’....I mean I know I’ll get through it just like I have everything else in my life. I’ve handled eveyrhing that’s ever been thrown at me...and somehow...I’ve come out ok....but I dunno....I don’t know how I’ll feel about going through it alone. and honestly...why am I even stressing about it?
I think it’s because I finally after two years of messing around with this stupid thing in my lung decided that......it could be something more. It could be one of the things that scares me more than anything...the thing that has claimed so many lives in my family......I’m young though.....and no that is not an opening for any ur almost 30 jokes....cause I am young honestly. and I’m active. I take care of myself......so it can’t be anything bad.





And yet....I keep telling myself that....that it’s going to be fine...and yet I worry. I think I gave myself a freaking anxiety attack earlier today. I don’t know because I’ve never actually had one before. But I do know that it was intense. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move...just shook...



It doesn’t help that I’m off all of my meds....so I can’t take anything to calm myself...I can’t take a sleeping pill...I can’t take anything....so I’m not sleeping on top of dealing with this......



and to top it all off....someone has found their way through my walls....can read me already......and is an amazing person. It scares me shitless. But at the same time....I honestly can’t imagine not having her in my life right now. This person that came out of nowhere....



So how do I get over this.....how do I accept that it may not be anything...when I know it could be......I guess for me...that’s the hard part....Not knowing.





Not knowing is driving me crazy. U seriously have no idea...Hello...I have OCD, this is like a cruel joke of some sort..honestly. I know that having this done today is a good thing..I do know that....I just don’t want to.



I’m tired of thinking about it. I just want it over with. I want it done. I don’t want to have to worry about it ever again.. It’s tiring. Emotionally and physically......and I’m tired enough to last a lifetime...I wanna go lay on a beach somewhere with someone special....and just rest....for once in my life.

Currently listening :
Keeper of the Stars
Release date: 18 July, 1995

Comments

Popular Posts