What Really Made Me What I am Today

Friday, February 23, 2007

What really made me who I am....
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

Let me start off by saying that recently I've noticed that people think they know me pretty well....and in all actuality none of them really do. So here's the thing. be ready to be shocked!! and really...if you are judgemental or whatever then DONT read this shit. Cause it is really going to change the way you look at me...hopefully not to much though

I'm not sure what you are thinking that it might be but believe me it's nothing glamorous. If anything it has made my life VERY VERY hard. I was very promiscuous and drank constantly. I didn't do anything for anyone but myself. I hurt those around me that loved me the most and didn't really care about it one way or another. I was hurt and all I wanted to do was hurt everyone around me. I didn't care if they deserved it or not. I lost some really good friends because of it and not only that I lost part of myself. I've spent the last seven years of my life trying to get back to myself......and believe me I am still not there. Anyways like I said I drank all the time, I slept around, I stole things, I went to jail, (unbelievable as it may seem) and I still wonder if I am ever going to be back to the person that I once was. I worry every day what people would think if they knew all of this. Because for the most part no one knows. It was when I was finally arrested and put into county that I REALLY realized what I was doing, and that it HAD to change. I spent that time trying to improve myself. I read everything that I could get my hands on. I tutored other girls. I joined every self help group that I could get into, I learned how to do corn rows and everything else that I could to take care of myself. I didn't want to be just another one of those girls that had their family, boyfriends ,random guys from the Internet taking care of them. Not one person sent me money while I was away, my brothers were overseas and my dad, well he was in prison as well. Except he was in there for drugs. Now I can't knock him because hey look where I was, but I can honestly say that I have never ever tried any drug of any kind, and I think that comes from seeing what it did to my family while I was growing up. Let's just say it tore us apart in more than one way. ...Moving on.....I decided when I got out that I was not going back to my old ways, and in order to do that I've had to make a lot of changes in my life....when I was locked up my sister and my mother had no idea where I was or what was going on...and neither did my brothers, I wanted it that way. I just thought that it was me that put myself there and therefore no one else needed to have to put up with the shit....does that make sense? So I had no visits and no money and I just maintained. and I'd do it all over again in a minute. Because I still believe that it was burden to bear...and no one else's. Let's see I think that I have just told you more than most people on my list have any idea about....including some ppl that are my friends....I just don't talk about it. But if you do have any questions then feel free to ask...because while I may not always offer up the information I will always always answer any question that is asked of me.....


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