Losing before you even have the chance...

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you couldn't think of not having it happen at some point in your life? Have you ever wanted something so bad........that the thought of not having it literally brought you to tears? I have.....

Every since I was little I knew that over anything in life I wanted to be a mother. I don't know how or why it happened....but I always knew that I would someday have children. Someday I would be able to hold a baby in my arms....and it would be mine. For years I have had issues with my womanly organs for lack of a better term and to not offend anyone. For the last two months I have had constant periods.....and I've been on so many meds it's not funny. Had so many shots in my hips and my belly that I can't stand to touch them. They are bruised and tender and SO SO sore.

See though...I can deal with physical pain....it's almost like it's become second nature. I can't deal however with the thought of not ever having the chance to have my own child. That just.....it breaks my heart. I want kids....more than I've ever wanted anything in this whole world. I want children. i want to be a mother. I want to have a family of my own. I.........I want what I think every woman wants.

The thought of not ever being able to have that.................

...............is unbearable.

So yesterday was a day full of Drs appts. Basically the outcome was that there is an issue with my ovaries. Well we already knew that....hello back in November they said my ovaries were full of Cysts. Now though.......they are saying they aren't cysts. That the chances are that there is at tumor causing all the issues. And if it is....well then the possibility of me having kids....is slim to none.....

Then to have a Dr in the ER tell me....well if you plan on staying gay why dont' you just get it all removed. Not like you're gonna use it anyway.



nuff said.

I really couldn't believe when he said that to me. It was just such a shock I couldn't even respond to it. I just sat there. And then I cried.

I want kids. So bad. and now.....I will probably never have any.

My nieces and nephews....they mean the world to me. I love them more than anything....and I know....in my heart....I'd be a good mom.....

Guess I'll never know...


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