Feel free to read my older blogs....the ones about Meth....or my Dad. You see my Dad has been to jail....no wait...prison....twice for Meth. I have an Uncle who is serving a life sentence in a Federal Prison...for Meth. I have an Aunt who struggles with the addiction, I've got cousins whose lives it has touched, siblings, you name it....and I think it's touched more than one person in my family. I've seen Meth ruin peoples lives. In more than one way. I've seen so many things happen to people I love.......because of their addictions.
Now you might be wondering why I am writing again on this topic....and sometimes I wonder if I should even put this out there. BUT this is my only outlet, the way I cope with things, the only way I know to deal with it.
Anyways, that's one strain on our relationship.....my fathers drug and alcohol addictions. The other big one is the "thing" he chooses to associate with. He'll spend half the week with my step-mother, his ex-wife, and the other part with the "thing". Now this whore for lack of a better word is the reason for their divorce the first time. And the reason they split up the second time. The same woman that was responsible for my Dad getting busted the first time. I realize that ultimately it was HIS Fault. HOWEVER. She did have something to do with it. So I literally cannot stand this woman. Period. Not on any level.
Then there is the fact that my dad asks me to drive him to traffic court the other day in Mt Sterling. Okay...not a big deal...except when we get there..........he says we have to go by and pick up this whore. Once again straining us. He should have respected me enough to tell me ahead of time. So I could have made the decision with all the facts. Instead he waited until the last moment to ambush me with it. So we go by her house. Pick her up. Then go by another woman's house. Once we pull up there.........let's just say I got to learn that my dad's addiction is back in full force.
It was enough to make me want to break down crying right then. Then there is another issue at hand........one that really seems rather trivial............yet it bothers me so much. And I wonder why? I always thought like I wasn't ever perfect enough....good enough....I wasn't enough. Then when he went to prison the last time.....I was in charge of taking care of everything.....I also had his wallet. I'm not ashamed to admit that I opened it. Went through it....wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to have anything on me that I shouldn't. It was protecting myself.
When going through the wallet though you know what I found? I found pictures of my nieces and nephews, of my brothers, of the whores daughters, and her grand kids. You know who there wasn't a picture of? Me. That......................broke my heart. Maybe it shouldn't have. But it did. He always went on about how I'm his little girl.......his first born........but no pictures of me. Not even one. So as we sat there at the bar there in that nasty little town with that nasty little "thing" my dad was busily texting her daughter. And had her come up there. So they could play pool together. While I sat there. Miserable. In pain with my back being out....because what was supposed to be at most a two hour trip there and back had turned into five hours there already. I was hurting and had no pills to take. And honestly.........Dad didn't care. So then I was getting even more hurt. Upset. Whatever you want to call it....and I see his phone. And on it is a picture of the things daughter. Not even one of his grand kids, my brothers, and of course not me. He still has no pictures of me in his wallet. Not a one. Yet when anything happens....I'm the one that is expected to fix it. To take care of it. To be there. Not one of them, and when he was locked up
where were they? Nowhere. Nowhere to be found. That's where. And my dad......wow.
You'd think that with his addiction and his best friends getting popped all around him that he'd stop. Knowing that the head of the local DEA has told his most recent friend that they want to hit my dad with a federal indictment. They say he's already a two time loser. Why not go ahead and stick him in there with my uncle? I wonder............will he never learn?
I sit here....and my heart is heavy........because I can feel what could be coming. I feel it in my bones. And everything else around me seems so trivial. The backstabbing from so-called friends. The loss of someone that you wanted to be with. All of that seems like nothing. All of this.....and the past few months of constantly being sick and in and out of the Dr's for test after test........has changed me.
I dunno if it's a good change...I just know I'm tired of all the BS that people try to feed me. I'm tired of always being the one there for everyone else............and very very few people EVER trying to be there for me. So be forewarned. The Nicky that is always there for you....that is always trying to fix everyone else's problems...and not focusing on myself at all......she's gone. I'm ready to be happy myself. And I'm tired of allowing myself to be pulled down by everyone else's issues. Guess this turned into what it was supposed to be....Just a lot of random venting.