still not over. UGH!

So today started off normally enough...woke to a phone call from usual it makes me smile. It started off well...........for about ten minutes it stayed that way. Until my cousin Sarah called me to tell me that Tamara's bf/ex-bf shot and killed himself last night. I say bf/ex because they were in a love hate relationship for so long. Yesterday he apparently didn't go to their court date and they issued a warrant for his arrest for attempted murder on T. So instead of facing things....he decided to instead go get his brother's gun....go to his house......and shoot himself. In the head. Never mind that he had kids. He apparently didn't care. So once again.......another person chose to end things themselves instead of facing them. So that was the start of my day. Sarah and I went to be with T so she wasn't trying to deal with things alone.

From there I went with Sarah to see her mum. Cause well she's dieing. Most ppl know that already. Hospice is in to the nursing home five times a week. Everyone knows what hospice means. It means you are dieing. Period. So we spent some time there. From there we went and finished cleaning out her mom's apartment. We did most of it yesterday though. Just couldn't finish it. As I was being driven home from there my cousin Amber/Souba called. She said I need to talk. I'll pick you up in a minute. So no sooner did I get home, come inside, sit down, and Souba was here. Back out the door I went. From there we drove around talking. Talking about Glenn...and what was going on with him.

Oh let's not forget that I spent the morning while I was waiting for Sarah and after my shower....trying to track down my uncle. So I finally figured out a way to get a hold of my Uncle Bubbi. Turns out he no longer works for C&R Supermarkets. He has instead taken a job in the Marshall Islands....which I really have no idea where that is. I'd never heard of it before today. It's another country. It's between Australia and Hawaii. That's about the extint of what I know. My cousin and I ended up at the hospital. I let my family talk me into it. I went there. Knowing how uncomfortable I was going to be.

We get there.....and my Dad and step mom Judi are in the hallway outside his room. My Dad don't have to be here. you didn't need to do this. My reply? Apparently I do cause no one else will leave me alone about it. We once again were discussing the whole Guardianship issue. My Dad rather firmly told the rest of my family that would NOT be happening. I was surprised. I am so used to them all getting their way.

I was okay at first. Just being there. Until I went into his room........then it hit me. I am in this mans room. It didn't matter that there were other people there. It didn't matter that my cousin was RIGHT next to me. That my Dad was there. That Judi was there..........I was in his room. For a split second.........I felt like that same scared five year old. Like I didn't have control. But maybe going today was what I needed? I don't really believe that but I'm trying to. He's now got dementia on top of perversion. So when I first walked in he started in about come give 'daddy' a kiss. I at first didn't say a word. I just looked at him. Then Judi said that's your granddaughter. He then said. No it's not. 'Vicki come give ur daddy a kiss' It's sick enough that he wanted to kiss me. Period. No matter who he thought I was. It's worse that he then knew he was. Then he was going on about how my body looked. I finally had enough.....I walked out. He was yelling after me. And at that point.....he knew who I was. He was yelling Nicky. NOT Vicki.

I know I'm supposed to forget. However I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to with him. I can't. I don't know that I'm a big enough person to do that. When he started that........started saying all that.......I wanted to cry. I could feel myself tearing up. I run away. I wanted to fight. I felt like that little girl........trapped.....all over again. I wanted to scream......wanted to run.....wanted to fight......wanted to I don't know what. I wanted to get out of that room. To run away as far and as fast as I could. Instead...........I faced him. I faced my biggest fear. I faced the person/thing I have nightmares of every night. I faced him. I don't know if it's going to make it worse or better in the long run.....I don't know if it'll help or worsen the nightmares. I don't know. I worry. I don't know that I could handle the nightmares being like they used to be........I don't' know if I can survive them being that way again. I barely survived them as a teenager............

Sitting here........writing this..........I'm at the point of crying again. Because just thinking about it....remembering it.........upsets me that much...........

Moving on........from there I went and signed up for classes. I start Monday actually. How they got everything done for me in one day is beyond me....but they did. So go me.

From there we went to Souba's house..........I did her hair and make up for work....Got a lovely phone call from England......and serenaded at that!

Then ran home...........cleaned my room........went and paid my phone vegging out on paltalk...........writing this.............being sang to.........and not looking forward to dog sitting tonight......Like I said...............


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