After 20+ years.....
My best friend since the 1st grade has been Heather Dewitt/Oenning. She's more than that though...she's a part of my family. She's my sister. Period.
We have seen each other through every imaginable thing....from deaths....suicides....break ups...make ups......the birth of her daughter/my niece Aspen.....marriage......almost divorce...family issues....brothers in jail....iraq......parents that didn't ever seem to understand us.
We've been the one constant in each others lives for over 20 years now. And now....in order to do what's right for her husband Mike, Aspen and herself she's moving.....far away. Total Estimated Time: 12 hours 50 minutes Total Estimated Distance: 786.98 miles....That far away......
We've never been that far from one another. Sure we've been a couple hours.....but that's it. If one of us had an emergency....we were only a few hours away from one another. I got to thinking...what if something happens to one of us. What if something happens to Aspen....I don't know if I can handle thinking a bout all that right now.
I've seen so many bad things happen to the people that I love right now. I don't know how I'd deal with something else happening.
I am to the point that I'm starting to think that I'm so scared of losing the people that I love that I'm starting to smother them.....That's a really scary fact that I'm starting to face on my own. I don't want to smother them...I don't want to strangle them....I just want to know that they are safe 24/7.
How do I find that balance?
Is there one?
I think I've become scared of the world lately. I'm scared to be myself....I'm scared of letting loose and living my life because I feel like I'm going to continue to lose everyone I care about and love.
I've become almost obsessed with calling my dad and aunt and brother and all kinds of people in my family non-stop lately. I want to know they are okay all the time. I need to be re-assured almost that they are. I need that. Needing all that though....is making me feel VERY weak. I'm driving people nuts with it. And I know I am.
I feel scared almost every day lately.....scared that something is going to go wrong...that something is going to hurt the people that I love.....is going to take them away....and in reality there's probably more chance of me pushing them away by being this way.
I can't seem to help it though.....
This morning as I was in the shower I got to thinking about all this....and I've done really good at keeping it all in.....
Then I thought about Heather and Aspen moving away....and I lost it. I haven't cried that hard since my Uncle was killed a few weeks ago....and before that...who knows how long it was. Don't get me wrong....we don't always get along...we bicker...and we fight....and there have been times we have totally not agreed with something the other one was doing....or who the other one was with....and for the first time in our lives we do.....but you see........that's all just part of being a sister.
She is my sister....and Aspen...wow......she's my niece. I'm scared to death of missing her growing up....not being there for all the big things. Not being there when they need me. Of her not being here when I need her. I know I know....we'll only be a phone call away....but you know what.....it's not the same as being able to go to each others house and get a hug. Or knowing just what to take the other one to do to cheer them up....it's just not. I miss them already....and it's not even Thursday yet....
I dunno....maybe the way I am feeling is compounded by the fact that Tuesday is fast approaching....Tuesday is my 29th birthday....it's also the day that the murder trial for the man that killed my Uncle David less than a month ago starts. All this has made me realize that my birthday really means nothing that day....yet.....I really want it to. It's the last one we'll be together for god knows how long. I don't want to remember my birthday for the rest of my life as the day that man went on trial. I just don't. Even though I know I will.
I can't believe that for the first time in over 20 years....we're not going to be together. We're going to be apart....and it scares me. I'm just scared period anymore. Where do I go from here?