Another Funeral.........

Tomorrow I am burying my best friend.......he and I have been friends for 8 years. And yeah I know that a lot of people think that knowing someone online isn't "knowing" them. But let me just tell you this, when you talk to someone non-stop for 8yrs, you DO know them. So tomorrow I am putting him in the ground. He has lived with us since December, and he was found dead on 4-12-10. And on his 26th birthday......is his funeral. I don't know how to deal with this. I keep thinking that there has to be some reason that I keep having death thrown at me.....why is this  over and over again happening. Why do I keep burying the people that I love? I don't know how to say good-bye to him. I don't know how to tell him how much we loved him. How much we still do. I don't know how to come to terms with the fact that he was hurting so badly that he felt the only way out was to not be here. How is that possible? How did he not know how much we all loved him? HOW?! I'm so angry. So very angry I cannot even process it yet. His parents won't even have anything to do with the funeral planning because he is trans-gendered. It hurts my heart knowing that, knowing that he never got the acceptance from them that he's craved since childhood.  I can't imagine that hurt.  Even when my family may not have always approved of my actions, or my choices, I never doubted their love for me.  Never worried that they may not be there for me if I needed them.  I can't imagine anyone not loving him.  To know Sydney was to love him.    He literally reminded me of a bull in a China shop at times, the way he could just bust into our family, into our lives.  The way he tried so hard to be careful, and to not hurt others, all the while not being able to control his own actions, movements, feelings.  He would do anything for anyone, he'd give you the shirt off of his back, his very last dollar, it didn't matter.  He would do for you what you sometimes couldn't even do for yourself.  He would sing you a silly song if you were sad if he thought it would cheer you up.  Or if you were hurting and felt like you were dieing inside, he would be right there crying with you.  Syd always said he didn't have friends, he had acquaintances and he had family, and to see his family hurting, or to feel as though he had let them down in some way would tear him up inside.  And his own biological family wasn't even willing to be there for him in death.  I just don't understand this.  I don't know if I ever will.  How am I going to get through this? How am I supposed to bury him?  Why do I feel like in some way that this is all MY fault?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

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While I started this before the funeral it's now six months later, and I still miss Sydney every single day.  Every day.  There literally isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him.  About the friendship that we had, and that I'll never get to see or hear his silly butt again.  I don't know how we all got through the funeral, but somehow we did.  I don't think it would have been possible without Beaux and Princess and our family.  I'm not going to lie, I still have days with I struggle with guilt, I think I may always.  I keep going back to the argument we had, and how stupid it was, and how that was the catalyst for him to take off.  Then I remember that it was unfortunately bound to happen.  That he had been in the hospital twelve times the previous year for accidental overdoses.  I was blessed enough to have a lot of his other friends reach out to me, but more than that, we were able to fly his little brother here for the funeral as well.  And then Trav came back and spent a little oer a month with us this summer.  I feel like its our responsibility to take care of him.  This poor boy honestly doesn't have anyone else.  So now he does.  Our entire family has embraced him, taken him in, and we honestly all love him.  There are times when he looks at me, and I see Syd shining through him.  Those times are sometimes very hard, because of how much we miss him, but then there are the times when I feel how proud Syd would be to have all of his family together.  He had always said I was his sister......so now I'm Trav's big sister.  I guess whenever you lose someone it's natural to mourn them, lord knows I have enough experience doing that.  I'm never going to understand what made him feel that taking his own life was his only option, but I am at peace with myself over it.  I'm just going to do what he always did......love, and live my life.  To the fullest.  Every day. 

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