Days like this...

You know that song? The one that goes...."Mama said there'll be days like this, There'll be days like this Mama said" Somehow I don't think this is quite what "mama" had in mind. Now of course I may be biased, I never really had a mother to speak of. I do have a great relationship with my step mom now, but I was a brat growing up, and lets just say that neither one of us tried to make it easy on each other.  I digress....

So my days lately have changed SO much....even from six months ago.  I would have never in a million years, expected my life to be the way it is now.  Some, okay most, would say I was naive. I've not spoken about my divorce to anyone really, a lot of people are still unsure about what even happened with us.  I haven't taken it public in a lot of ways.  I didn't want the stigma, I didn't want anyone to be able to come back and say that I was bashing him.  Instead I allowed him to run my name down, to say really rather horrid things about me. All the while, trying to maintain to myself that as long as I didn't do those things that I'd be able to continue on in my life with the relationships that I had built and fostered with his family.  To be honest, I thought it was going along fine.  I have never said or done anything disrespectful to my mother in law, who claimed me as her own.  Imagine my surprise to wake up one day and be deleted and blocked on her Facebook, with no response to any of my calls or texts from there on out. I later learned, she felt she had to choose. Who does that?  Who makes us feel that we have to choose?  That if we aren't willing to choose accordingly, then hey, they'll choose for us, and we'll lose them.  I guess my way of thinking with that is this, if they really loved us, why put us in that position?  I am not trying to make anyone choose me in any way shape or form.  I figure this way....You know me....you know what has transpired, what is happening still, what I've been through, and hell, probably have heard a lot from the other person involved as well about how they are "feeling" and "dealing" with everything related to our divorce.  I guess I just assume that you are an adult and will make an educated, perhaps emotional, decision on what you choose to do at this point.  I remain friends with many that are friends with both, simply because I respect the fact that choose to not be in the middle of all of our melodrama, and to be honest, why would they want to be?  I don't even want to be involved in it, unfortunately I have no choice.

Regardless I finally have had enough and have a few things to say.   I loved my husband, I may not have been perfect, and I'm still not, but I would have never cheated on him, and I always felt that I had our marriages best interest at heart.  I may be liberal in my views of a lot of things, but marriage is not one of those.  I believe that it's supposed to be forever, and I believe that if it's broke then you do whatever is necessary to fix it.  I HAVE finally learned that not all things deserve to be fixed though.  That some things are better off just being let go....that there's only so much duct tape and super glue that you can put on things before they finally do just fall apart.  I will not say that I regret my time with him, because I learned a lot of things during our time together, as well as a lot about myself.  I was also blessed to be able to be a part of his amazing children's lives.  I got to be a step mother to four amazing kids, who are now amazing adults.  I got to be a grandmother to the two most perfect babies I think I've ever seen.  I got to experience things that I never would have otherwise.  I got to be a part of a family that was insanely enough, just as crazy as my own.  I am not perfect, like I said....but I love with my whole entire heart when I love someone.  Whether it's my blood family, or chosen family, when I love...it's usually forever.

Unfortunately, here are a few things I've learned.  No matter what you do, or how much you love someone, you can NOT make them love you back.  It does not matter if you feel like you've done everything in your power to make someone else happy....if they are not happy within  themselves, forget it!  It doesn't matter. Whatever you do will never be enough, and sadly, this means that you will not be enough. Along with that.....once you are divorced....as much as I've tried to fight it...you will at some point probably lose your relationship with your step children.  At least in the sense of what it was before the separation.  It doesn't matter if you've done nothing wrong.  The cold hard fact is this....you are not their parent.  No matter how much you feel like you are.You are no longer the first to know things....you are no longer in the know with everything going on in their lives.  You'll begin to feel like you are walking on egg shells....you don't want to say too much because you don't want it to get back to your ex, and yet you feel guilty as hell for even thinking that.  Unfortunately at this point it's all about self preservation.  Your life has been completely dismantled before your eyes....and you still don't feel like you are standing on solid ground. So you feel yourself doubting everything that you do that now involves those same kids....what do you do?  If you're me, you continue on....hoping things won't change...even as they are....right in front of your eyes.  They'll begin to pull away, they'll go on with their lives....and unfortunately there's no real reason for you to be involved in it....after all who are you?  Sometimes stepping away is the only way to keep your sanity, and not be a blubbering basket case because you feel like there's nothing you can do and you are losing not just your ex but your entire family, your entire life.....

Thank god for friends.....not just old life long friends....but those new ones too.  Ones that you may have overlooked in the past because you didn't know if it was worth fostering a friendship with them.  Here's what I can tell ya though...it is. I would not have made it thru the first few months without the constant companionship and friendship of so many ppl.  Misty, Tonya, Asia, Erin, Melissa.....those are the ones that were here day in and day out constantly checking on me and wanting to know if I was okay.  Then you have the ones back home that are checking in on you daily via Facebook, Phone, Text etc....Mallory, Sarah, Anna, Rena, Stacey...and so so so many more.  I really don't think I would have made it without all of you. Seriously.  you have no idea I don't think.  There were times.....I didn't think I could go on.  Instead you made me be active.  You made me get out of bed.  You made me shower. Made me eat...you made me live.

I started caring about myself again...started putting myself first.  It was so hard, and you have no idea...but I've made such huge strides at getting back to my old self....to caring about myself.  I think the biggest thing for me has been the weight loss.  Anyone that knows me, knows I've never been tiny, but good lord I had gotten HUGE!!! I'm talking ginormous here.  I won't talk poundage but I'll say this...I'm down 8 pant sizes...from a 22 to a 14 and for the first time in YEARS AND YEARS I am well under 200 pounds.

You'll never know what you can do, until you simply put your mind to it and DO IT!

Everyone asks about dating....will I fall in love again and here's what I can say....I am open to it....but I don't know that I would be ready to go public with all the information, because to be quite honest I'm still unsure about letting anyone into my life again.  I will tell you all this though....I'm taking things a day at a time...and anything, and I mean ANYTHING is possible.  The best part?  On September 30th @ 1:30pm I will finally be completely through the divorce...I'll be me again....that's all I wanted from the divorce...my name.  Nicky Brookhart.

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Anonymous said…
I love you girl. I'm always here, day or night, forever. I got your back!- Erin

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