Someone......

We all miss people at different points in our lives.  I miss my grandparents who are mostly all gone and buried now...I miss my best friends from home, even though they are alive and kicking.  I miss my best friend Sydney that I buried a few years ago.  I miss my step kids every day and I miss my grandchildren more than my heart can sometimes handle.  I have purposely distanced myself in a lot of ways...because I'm so scared of what I keep thinking is the inevitable. I love those kids. One of the ways you know I truly care about you is if I miss you. If I miss you....then you mean something to me.  You mean a lot to me actually.   I don't just randomly miss people that mean nothing to me.  I only miss those that matter to me.  Everyone is special to someone......everyone means something to someone.  If you mean something to me.....that's everything.   I don't let many people in.....I don't trust easily, and I don't let people in my heart.  I don't because I've been hurt so much in the past.  I've been crushed, and it became a self defense mechanism.  I quit thinking that I deserved to be missed.....that I deserved anything.  There came a point where I finally decided that I DID deserve it.  I think it happened without me even realizing it.  Being told I'm beautiful, being told that I'm special, being told I'm missed....it's an amazing feeling. I don't know what to expect day to day....I unfortunately second guess things that I shouldn't.  I worry for no reason about things that I shouldn't.  These are the things that drive me nuts. I know there is no reason for it....that it's nothing but the past sneaking up on me.  Times like that I realize that there are still things that I need to finish dealing with.  The positive side of that is this....I am dealing with it.  I can acknowledge it. I know I deserve someone I can laugh and be silly with, someone that not only gets my weird sense of humor, but that thinks it's hilarious too!  I deserve someone that will always want to cuddle, that will always want to dance, and will want to hold my hand even when we're little and old. Someone that will accept my flaws, mistakes, history, smiles, jokes, sarcasm.  Everything.  The good with the bad.  I know that it takes a very strong man to handle a broken woman like me.  Luckily..I'm healing myself.  I don't expect anyone to do it for me.   At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing.  It turns up when you don't really expect it, like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed.   The castle, well it may not be a castle.  It may be a country cottage.  And it's not so important, happy ever after, just that it's happy right now.  See once in awhile, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in awhile, people may even take your breath away.  I never thought I'd be that for someone....but I'm hoping I am.  I love the simplicity of it all.....The ease of it.  Missing  someone like I do reminds me that there really are some special people left out there.  Someone that will cook with/for me. Someone that will surprise me. That will be will have lazy days with me....remember the little things about me.....help me face my fears.....play fight with me.....always say whats on his mind and not make me guess.  Let me wear his clothes....shut me up with kisses......call me pet names.....shut me up with kisses if i'm rambling too much.....hug me and say "no, you're not" when I say i'm fine....treat me as an equal and simply.......care for me.

Comments

Valda Garner said…
What a powerful post. I'm sure he is someone that makes you laugh too. Isn't life interesting? There is always something to learn and something to be grateful for. Inspite of illness there are so many ways that we are blessed. Blessed with understanding, which is what we need. Blessings to you, Valda
Good said…
There are so many reasons we isolate ourselves when we have chronic illness and that makes it harder, for me, at least to make the step towards others. I enjoyed reading this post and appreciate your honesty and insights,

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