Where there is love...there is LIFE!!~ Ghandi
A stronger, wiser, kinder, more compassionate, me. I was asked yesterday, "after everything he put you through, how can you trust again?" A month ago, I would have probably said I won't. I'll never trust again, I'll never let anyone in, I'll never. Without a moments hesitation I instead said, "because not everyone in the world is out to hurt us, and if I don't trust again, if I don't allow myself to love again, then he wins". Why would I want to spend my life miserable? Why would I possibly want to allow someone else to continue to have control over my life? I don't. Why wouldn't I want to experience love again? Why would I want to cut everyone off and not allow myself to love, to feel, even hurt if necessary? Where there is love there is life!
Love comes in so many forms, a warm smile, a gentle hug, a kind word, doing something out of the goodness of your heart. Just to do it. No reciprocation needed or expected. We should do things for those that we care about simply because we care! No other reason. Give away your love, do it. Every day, give love. When you give it away, it's guaranteed to come back to you in some way, shape or form. It's a lot like Karma in that way...what you put out there, is bound to come back to you in some way....some day.
I know the type of love I deserve now...I know the things that I gave up before. I know what I sacrificed, and what I thought I'd be okay without. Now I know better. There are some things that I will never allow myself to go without again. There are also things that I will no longer accept, because I know that I deserve more! I will not be with an alcoholic, no drug users, no users of any kind. He must have a job, his own car, and his own home. He needs to be stable. I'm tired of always being the one trying to hold everything together. Next time that's not going to be an issue, because we are going to both be adults. He will want me as much if not more than I want him. He will not be afraid to tell me how he feels, and I won't have to ever wonder what I mean to him. If anything. I will not be laying in bed with him wondering where he'd rather be.
Instead this is what I WILL get. I will have a loving, kind, honest, generous, funny, intelligent man. He will know my worth, and he'll be sure I know it as well. He'll be the type of man that you feel safe being next to.
I will have a man that will know that I adore him as well, he will not be embarrassed to have me at his side. He won't tell me I'm fat or ugly or anything like that. He'll instead tell me how beautiful he thinks I am.
I refuse to settle for anything less than what I deserve.
I'm dating a man now that really is all of those things that I want in a man. We are taking things very slow....getting to know one another, making sure we want the same things in life, and making sure it's worth it. I'll go ahead and say now that in my opinion it is. He's amazing. He makes me feel alive again. More than that though...He makes me feel cared for, secure, safe, sexy, wanted. I don't remember the last time I felt any of those things. He listens to me when I ramble and somehow thinks it is adorable. He likes that I tell him all the craziness of my past, and he doesn't judge me for it. He says this "it's the past, it's not you now". Do you have any idea how amazing of a feeling that is?
There's more too....I'm going to be having surgery soon....I'll find out tomorrow if it will be a total hysterectomy or a uterine ablation with a tubal. I'm nervous and scared and panicked and have tremendous anxiety over it. Ya know what though? He just tells me to calm down....not to panic until I know for sure and that it'll all be okay. I've never had that. Nobody to just be like....don't worry until you know.
So I have the biopsy in the morning. This will be the third one. I'm kind of over them to be honest. They've all come back okay before....but I keep thinking one of these times I'm going to run out of luck. Then to top it off whatever the results are....that determines what surgery I have....I'm just stressed the fuck out. Sorry for the cursing. Seriously though. I'm just kinda over it.
Thankfully I have a good support system. I have friends and family that care....and this amazing guy. We aren't technically a "couple" cause we are taking things slow...but he cares and he's there for me and that's enough for now.