Insecurity

I have no clear idea of what I'm going to write about tonight. I think it may end up being a bunch of gibberish, it definitely won't be the first time this has happened.  However sometimes those end up being my favorite posts. 

I had surgery yesterday, and I'm currently in some pain, but hey that's what pain pills are for right?  Did I mention how TERRIBLY itchy they make me?  Ugh.  But thank god I have them. Right?

Well I finally decided on a topic, albeit it is the next day, but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day right?  So what I'm going to write about is something that affects me daily...Insecurity.  I know right?  We all deal with it, and yet, very few of us are willing to talk about it or face it. So what is Insecurity?

Here is the Webster's Definition:

Not confident about yourself or your ability to do things well
Nervous and uncomfortable
Not certain to continue


I think insecurity can hit is all in different ways, and for different reasons.  When it comes to my job for instance, I am completely confident, because I know what I'm doing, and I know my worth.  I know that I'm a hard worker, and that it would be hard to replace me and what I do. I have worked hard to have that type of job security. I know that when I leave at the end of a day that I've typically given it my all and that there's not a lot more that could have been done or done differently.

On the other hand there is my personal life, where I seem to lack confidence, and seem to allow old insecurities to rear their ugly head.  As much as I try to fight it, there are times I simply can't.  I hear those old voices in my head....telling me how ugly I am....worthless.....fat....you get the picture.  When in reality....I know better. I know I'm not a super model or anything, but I also know I'm pretty.  I know that while I'm not stick thin, I'm no longer super overweight, and I finally  have a real handle on my weight. I know that I'm in control of my life.  I also know that I am not worthless.  I DO know these things.  However, it seems when I am truly allowing myself to be happy that those little things start creeping back in.  It's a "well why would he want me" thing....I mean if I'm fat...worthless....well you get the point.  Now here is the tricky part.  HE has never given me a reason to think these things.  Not a one.  He has never put me down, in fact he builds me up.  Tells me only positives about myself.  He's rather amazing actually.    I am still not sure why I allow the voices of exes and negative people in my past to intrude upon my happiness today. 

I'm perfectly happy with the way things are between us, he gives me zero reason not to be.  I am quite happy with taking things slow, it's probably the healthiest relationship I've ever been in.  Not that we are "in a relationship".  We are getting to know one another, and dating, and not dating anyone else.  It's actually quite lovely.  There's no pressure...something I'm not used to.  I am used to having to be perfect, and if I wasn't then it was a fight, it was this huge blow up. I think sometimes I still put that pressure on myself, and I expect myself to be perfect. I read something today though, that is rather quite perfect, and it actually made me think of something that he has recently said to me more than once.  I worry about my past, about what he'll think of it, and the fact that I made some not so great choices in it, and his response is always the same....it's the past.



I told him last night that when I hear about his childhood, it's the kind of life I wish I would have had, it's the kind of life that if I am to ever have children, that's the kind of life that I want for them.   I however didn't have that life, and I made horrible choices as a teenager, and a young adult.  Thankfully I learned from it, but it wasn't pretty.  The things I did and saw.  Not pretty.   He just reminded me that it's all in the past, and it doesn't matter to him, not one bit. That my past choices don't matter, what matters is who I am now, what choices I make now, what I've learned etc.    I think that the fact that I had never been told that before....it's crazy. I didn't know exactly what to think of it.  Unfortunately what I'm used to is being put down, told negative things about myself etc.  With him it's the total opposite.  I am certain and hopeful that I can overcome the insecurity, after all of the other things that I have overcome in my life this really doesn't amount to much. 

I just need to keep reminding myself that the me of today, is NOT the me of yesterday.  That the me that made all of the mistakes in my past, is not the me of today.  The me of today is so much more than the me of yesterday.  I don't know if that makes any sense what so ever. Here is what I know is true of me today, that wasn't true of the me of yesterday.  I finally have the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expect of me.  The old me....it would have been all about what others wanted.  The old me wouldn't make time for others, it was all about work....two jobs and school full time, no time for fun, no time for anything.  Finally I have made the time. The old me never expressed how I felt about anything or anyone, I used to get walked all over.  I don't anymore.  I am not afraid to express who I am anymore. I am not afraid to tell people that I care about them.  I am not afraid to tell people what they mean to me. I am no longer afraid of happiness. Now to just own that.  I know that I deserve happiness, and I deserve someone great and amazing and special.  Now to simply give this time to grow into what it's going to be. 

I have a feeling that as long as I don't rush things, and try to be in control that it'll all work out in the end.  After all....everyone wants their own happy ending.  And what better type is there than the type that allows us to be with someone that we can totally be ourselves with?  That accepts us just as we are? Pretty amazing thought huh?  Hey I'm a work in progress though, and as long as I'm working on it and working on myself isn't that all anyone can ask for?  Okay I'm done with the rambling........... for now.




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