The Past, Present....and Future

Life is a funny thing when you really think about it....we try to learn from our pasts, so that it doesn't affect our present, and it won't affect our futures. I know that my past, and the past of my family could definitely scare people away, that it could push them out of my life before they are fully in it.  I used to be scared of that all the time, I was scared to share all of myself, my history, my past, and that of my family with anyone.  I'm not anymore.  I finally realized that if someone can't accept me fully, including all of that history and baggage then they didn't deserve to be in my present, and definitely didn't deserve to be in my future.

I have learned so much about myself this last year, some good, some bad, but all helpful.  There are things about me that I wish I could change, things that I wish nobody else ever had to know about, things that I wish people didn't know.  But what I've learned over time is this, if they love me, they will love ALL of me. All my faults, all of my history, all of the good, bad and ugly.  It is what it is, I can't change any of it, I can simply try and learn from it and move on in a healthy way in my life.

It astounds me sometimes how people think that things don't bother me, that if I don't talk about it that I'm fine with something.  I kinda find this hilarious.  I used to get told that I over shared, that I talked about things too much, that I shared way too much of my life and others lives.  What people don't get is that I process things by writing about them. I have written so much over the last year that I haven't even shared with the world, and I doubt I ever will, but if I ever get to that point where I am comfortable doing so, then I will.  Because it's my feelings, my words, my life.  I realize that sometimes I write about other people, like I will be doing tonight even, but in the end it's my take on everything, and my take is of course not always the only take on any given situation.  I may see something one way and somebody else will see it completely different.  That's life. Our lives are all intertwined, they all cross paths at some point in life.

My past is just that, my past and sometimes I like to think that it doesn't bother or affect me in ANY way, then other times. I'm astounded by the way it still affects me. Try as I might I sometimes think back on things and they still bother me, then again there are things I look back on and they do not bother me in the least bit.  Our pasts do not define us, we do not live there, it is somewhere we once where and we learned whatever lessons we needed to and left that place, that time, and we moved on to bigger and better things. Remind yourself whenever your past decided to rear it's ugly head, remind yourself that you no longer live there, that you are NOT that same person, that you've changed and you've evolved. YOU are not your past, it's simply something that you lived through, you made it through, you survived! Remember that. Always. YOU SURVIVED IT!

Now you are living your life on your terms hopefully, you're in your own present, and the present, as cheesy as it sounds really is a present. A chance to redo things, a chance to reinvent yourself, a chance to live your life on your terms and how you want it to be without fear of repercussions from others. My present, it's pretty wonderful for the most part. My dad is my dad and even with all the mess, I love him and hope everyday that he'll find his way.  My brother is expecting a child, his first, with his awesome girlfriend, and they are even naming her after my deceased grandmother. It's pretty amazing.  I can't wait to hold her for the first time, and to see him hold her, and to see them together as their own little family.  It's going to be a pretty amazing thing to witness.  The two of them together are so special, seeing them together, you can see the love between them and that's something pretty special indeed!  In my own life, I'm happy.  So freaking happy I feel like walking around singing Pharrells song all the time! Listen to it if you don't know what I'm talking about!
I'm with someone that I never even thought existed, he respects me in everything he does, treats me like a queen, even when I act like a witch, and lets be honest, we all act that way sometimes, no matter how hard we try not to.  He's everything I ever wanted in life, and we met at the perfect time. I was finally okay with being alone, I was independent and healthier than I had been in years, and he is the same.  We weren't meant to meet before we did, we weren't ready for the amazing relationship that we have together, I don't think that we could have appreciated it the way that we do.  It's just remarkable.  It's the healthiest relationship I've ever had, and honestly one of the healthiest I've ever even see.  We respect one another, always think about the other, would rather be with each other than anyone else, we put each other first and we are constantly making plans for the future....because we know it's going to be together.

Which brings us to the future.  The future for the most part is unknown, we can of course make plans, and we can hope that those plans will go through just as we are hoping, but as we all know, things can happen.  What I do know is this, I'm happy right now in my present and I'm no longer scared of the future.  I know that my future is going to be freaking awesome! I revel in sharing our awkwardness and nerdiness for the rest of our lives. I can't wait to do all of the exciting things that we have planned with one another, all the fun adventures we will go on, to add to the memories we're making everyday. I'm so freaking excited for it.

I've known defeat, I've known suffering, struggle, loss, depression, pain, agony. I know how much better my life is now and how much better it's going to be in the future with Shawn by my side supporting me every step of the way.  I love that I can share this in a way with others, maybe it'll help someone to realize that their past doesn't define them. I learned that on my own, but to have someone willing to remind me that on a daily basis is one of the best gifts I've ever been given.  I feel like I've been given a second chance at life, and he's the biggest blessing I could ever ask for.

No matter what you are going through right now....You will survive, it will become your past, you will make it to an amazing gift of your own present, and you will learn to no longer fear the future.  Go forth and be awesome!


C Walsh said…
=) I'm glad you're finally happy. Your brother will be a great dad.

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