So, to start this Vlog, let me start by saying that we are
headed to Chicago Sunday morning for an appointment with Dr Awad on Monday
afternoon. We are riding a train, which
will be my first ever train ride, so I’m super excited about that, and we are
finally going to schedule that
Staying positive isn’t always easy, and at times I really
struggle to remain optimistic.
I’ve never been the most optimistic person, and in fact in
the past I think I was a very negative and pessimistic person most of the time,
that hasn’t been the case for many years though.
I’ve worked really hard at becoming a more positive
individual, and it’s not always easy. I
try to always see the bright side of a situation, and put a positive spin on
things if at all possible. I was
reminded of that today while having a conversation with one of my best friends.
We were talking about my upcoming
appointment in Chicago and how we were going to try and do a bit of sightseeing
while we are there, and she said “ I love how you are being so positive and
turning this appointment into a mini vacation” and she’s right.
This could be a life changing appointment; it could be the
start of the journey to feeling better. The scheduling of brain decompression
surgery, and I want to do my best to stay positive. Don’t get me wrong, I have days when I am
totally depressed about all of this. I
have moments of complete breakdowns, when I feel like I can’t get myself out of
my funk. Those times I think about all
the people from my online support groups that have passed away, that have
gotten worse after surgery, that have complications. The days I can’t get all of the negatives out
of my head that I can’t think about any of the positives. That’s all.
Most of the time though, I can remind myself of how lucky I
am, of how amazing my life is on a grand scale, of how loved I am. My husband loves me more than I ever thought
possible, and he makes sure that I know it each and every single day. It’s a really amazing feeling, and it’s what
gives me the strength to carry on even when I think I can’t. I have a support system, and if I’ve learned
anything from the support groups I belong to, I know that not everyone has
that. I have friends and a lot of family that are there for me, even when I shut
down, and push them away.
Luckily, I don’t have a lot of those days, but they do
exist. Those days, while few and fairly
far between, do happen, and they suck.
There’s really no other way to say it without cursing up a storm.
I remind myself of this every day, days like Monday and Tuesday
where I slept 14-16 hours each day, days like yesterday where I have to psyche
myself up to go to the doctor, because even though I know it’ll feel better
afterwards when they kick in, getting TWELVE shots sucks like a son of a
beep. They of course make me tired then,
and all I want to do is come home and sleep afterwards and for about a week. Lol
However, by last night they had started kicking in and doing their thing and I
was finally feeling some relief from the ongoing, never ending pain.
I finally started telling more people what is going on
today, uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh. It’s very hard
for me to open up to everyone about what is going on. As much as I ramble and have always been a
bit of a motor mouth, I’ve learned that when it comes down to it, it’s hard to
actually share what is truly going on with me. I do NOT like to ask for
help. I do NOT like ppl feeling sorry
for me. At all. I don’t like to feel
like I’m whining, and it’s hard to let people really know how I’m doing when
they ask how I am. I’ve tried to quit
replying with the normal “ok”, but then you get into a whole slew of things
that are actually wrong, if I respond with something other than okay.
How do you tell ppl out of the blue that hey, so the drs
found something wrong in my head, yea yea hold your jokes, and now they’re
going to cut my skull open, remove part of it, and hope for the best. Lol Like seriously. What do you say to that? How do you tell ppl
that? Just out of the blue? But, that’s exactly what I started doing
tonight. It went better than
expected. Some of the responses made me
tear up, and some just blew me away. I
really have some awesome friends, and I love them all. I hope you all know that. You guys rock.